I was about four years old when I had an encounter with a group of boys who were bullying my older brother. The lead bully was the oldest and largest boy and there were his minions, three or four smaller and younger bullies who hid behind his fury. As he got closer to my brother, leaning in with his scowling face, I just knew that he was going to hit him.
My heartbeat increased, my face got hot, and I reacted. Stepping between them, I yelled, “Stop it!” and kicked the bully in the nads—which is not the correct anatomical word for, well, nads. He doubled over, and everyone else froze. It was eerily silent as my brother and I backed away. And, although I’ve considered it on many other occasions, that was the one and only time I ever kicked someone in the nads.
Now when I think about bullying, this is the memory and image I typically come up with. Some aggressive dude. His minions standing behind him. All puffed up. Ready to strike. All of them hiding. All of them afraid. Cowards. Not only the bully, but especially the bully.
There are many forms of bullying and, to some extent, we are all bullies. We bully ourselves with our inner—and sometimes outer—condemnation and judgement. We bully the people in our relationships to conform to our standards. We take sides in society and attach to the loudest voice, the bullies who live like we live, do what we do, vote for who we vote for, love the way we love, and make the same choices we’re making.
Each time we bully, we’re hiding from our own anxieties and projecting them onto others. It comes out as anger, intimidation, and coercion. But at its core, it’s fear and control—an attempt to make ourselves or others conform so that we feel safe. The more people we successfully control, the safer we feel.
Then we, as the bully, have a false sense of power and security, if only for a moment, before the stakes get higher and fear rises within us again. Then we double down and attempt to gain more control.
And the cycle continues.
Bullies cannot survive without their minions, their followers, who abide by their rules and hide within the group. They go with the flow because swimming against the current will either put them in danger or will get them banished from the group. This is the reason that gangs are so affective. Do what the group does, and you are a welcome member of the family, of the gang. But go against the flow and you become the recipient of a world of shit. Of course, minions might agree with many things the bully does, but are afraid to speak out about the things they disagree with as they’ve seen what happens to those who express individualism. At best, they get an ass kicking. At worst, they get exiled…or worse. And we see what happens on social media when someone doesn’t agree with the thread on a polarizing post. It’s brutal.
In today’s society, the bully is everywhere because fear is everywhere. We’re inundated with what is going wrong in the world, and then all of our fear is being projected outward. A whole world of people is trying to gain control of a whole world of other people. Conflicting messages consume us and everyone is doing what they can to gain some semblance of stability.
When we’re in alignment with our highest truth, we stay steady and true to our course. But when we’re hiding our fear and are afraid of expressing our highest truth, we latch onto the loudest and most self-righteous voice and do what the minions do. We pick a side and fall in line with the bully, whether it’s the news, an online personality, an outspoken friend, or a political figure. Then we feel less alone, less fear and more emboldened.
But it’s all hiding. It’s ALL fear. And making others our enemy if they don’t match OUR way of thinking isn’t any different than any other type of bullying. Those who believe like we do, are good people. Those who don’t, are ruining society. It’s groupthink at its best, where individual opinion is not only discouraged, but targeted.
I believe we have to take a step back and notice that everyone is afraid, especially those who are the most controlling, the most outspoken, those who are screaming the loudest. And the biggest and most polarizing bully of them all, the media, is capitalizing on all of our fear.
We really can stop this cycle, but we must each start by having an open mind. Maybe your way isn’t “the” way for someone else, any more than the United States’ way isn’t every other country’s way. Maybe what you value isn’t your neighbor’s highest value. Maybe the way you love is different than the way others love. Maybe you like to drive a hybrid and someone else likes to drive a large 4X4 truck. Maybe you want a vaccine and others don’t. Can’t that just be okay? When someone else lives differently or makes different decisions than you, can you love them anyway and accept they have the right to make their own choices and just get curious about why that scares you?
Because we are getting more divided with each passing minute and this way of living is not true living, we need to self-correct toward the middle way and step away from the extremes. Trying to make others conform to one standard or another takes away autonomy and freedom and rights. It’s bullying at its core. And each person or organization leading the charge is just like the bully I kicked in the nads—the most fearful of all of us.
So, I would encourage you to start with yourself. See where you bully the hell out of yourself. See where you need others to be like or think like you do so that you feel safer in this world. See what would happen if you chose the path of allowing others to live their lives according to their principles, and to receive their own benefits and consequences of doing so. Because that’s also how you want to live your life. That’s how we all want to live our lives.
Truly, the only “right” way to live your life is to do so according to what feels “right” in your heart and in your body. That might make you an oddball or a dork or a wizard or a freak or a saint or maybe even a gecko. But you won’t be betraying yourself. And you won’t be hiding. You’ll be making the best decision for your highest good and that, my Hideology™ friend, is how we all stay in true alignment.
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I thought my bullying days were over when I was ganged up on myself as a 13-year-old girl. But thank you, Karen, for showing me that I just switched to bullying myself with self-jeers about one inadequacy or another, driving myself crazy with professional jealousy, being hyper-critical about my looks. Strengthening my faith and my belief in a higher social good really does help, but it takes constant reminders, constant practice.
I appreciate those comments and insights, Pegi. With almost anything, awareness is the first step that is needed for any real change to occur and you have great awareness of how you bully yourself. My hope is that it is less and less as your self-compassion needle keeps moving in a positive direction. And 100% agree…serving (in any capacity) a higher good, affords compassion to others…and ultimately compassion to self.