I’ve spent the last few years writing a memoir about my life in hiding, discovering how it started and where I went. It was my “excavation process,” which gifted me with no choice but to go in the opposite direction. Away from hiding. Back into living.
Here is what I know for sure. Hiding is Universal. And common. And oh-so human. We all do it. Our methods might be different, such as people pleasing, perfectionism, addiction, fitting in, not speaking our truth in relationships, sarcasm, and on and on and on. All of these are forms of hiding, and I have done all of them—and more. I’m an expert in this field and this is why I lovingly refer to myself as a Certified Hideologist (yep, another made-up word).
But now, in starting this conversation with you about hiding, I want us to start at the beginning. We have to not only see how hiding became our normal, but it’s also super helpful to have compassion for the reason or reasons that hiding became safer than living.
Somewhere, probably in your childhood, you showed up as yourself and were either judged, ridiculed, ignored, neglected or even abused. This might have been a parent that didn’t care for you in the way that you needed, or a sibling that competed for the attention of your parents and was cruel to you. You might have felt judged by a friend or a group of friends. This is most-likely when you abandoned yourself, not feeling whole, and went into hiding. Whatever you did to go into hiding, is what you needed to do because, without your hiding place(s), life would have been pretty painful. Maybe even unbearable.
That was how it was for me. I was a young girl who started hiding when I was about five. I learned that the best way to be seen, to get love, validation and attention, was to become a rescuer, a fixer, a people pleaser. But eventually, those methods didn’t work—enough—and I was hurt, angry and lost. I needed a deeper form of numbing out so, by ten years old, I flipped sides, becoming a misfit, a rebel, a liar, an alcoholic. This was just the beginning.
Like you, I did what I had to do to survive. Where would we be without these hiding places that temporarily saved us? The key is to not condemn or judge ourselves, but to realize that we did and still do what we need to do to feel safe, until that way becomes so painful that we have no choice but to go in the opposite direction. Away from hiding. One hiding place at a time.
This is what I refer to as Hideology™—uncovering the reasons and the ways we hide. This is why I am here. To commune with you while we look at our hiding places, to have compassion for the ways we’ve checked out, and mostly, to start living again. Without hiding. One hiding place at a time. Baby steps. I promise.
I’d ask you to take an honest look at how you hide and see if you know how and when it started. Write down your hiding places. I’ll bring all of the places that I’m aware of to the table. Feel free to send me yours. Let’s go there. Let’s come out from hiding. Because living in the closet, whatever form that closet takes, is not living.
See you next time. xoxo, K
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I have hidden in compliance much of my life. It’s an easy field to hide in because no one ever questioned it. I was sure who and what I was was not I was supposed to be. Many decades spent that way; hiding in an abusive marriage ( because it must have been my fault), (hiding in professionalism because that worked)
Hiding in introversion, even as others hid in extroversion. I hid in books and avoided interaction. I hid from my creativity and artistic ability. So much energy spent hiding from myself. Finally learning about who I am.
“…so much energy spent hiding from myself.” Becoming who we need to be to gain approval or attention or validation from others, even at the cost of not being honest in our relationships. I’ve done a lot of that myself. People pleasing/compliance, silence, escaping to disconnect in books…we hide from ourselves. Thank you for sharing your version of hiding, Leigh, and how beautiful that you’re finally learning about who you are. xo