Perfectionism – Hideology™ 101

Let’s discuss perfectionism, one of the classic ways that we hide. This is definitely one of my hiding foes, so much so that I’ve written other blogs on this topic. What I know for sure is that perfectionism is extremely rampant in many of us. What I also know is that it can show up in many different ways, depending on your perfectionism drug of choice.

The name—Perfectionism—is misleading as it implies the intention to do our best. To be perfect at something. To give our all and then let the cards fall where they may. But this is not perfectionism.

Doing your best is a great trait to have. One of the four agreements in Don Miguel Ruiz’s bestselling book, The Four Agreements, is to, “Always Do Your Best.” Striving to do your best and give your all is honorable and helps you to be happy and live your life to its fullest.

Perfectionism is not healthy striving, because at its very dark core, perfectionism is striving to achieve in a real effort to NOT be fully seen.

Here’s a personal example: I spent 22 years on active duty in the U.S. Navy and I was driven, a stickler for detail. The Navy teaches you to focus on the details from the very beginning and it even has its own title—Attention to Detail. It truly is drilled in to you, as paying attention to the little things can be the difference between life or death. So, I prided myself on not making mistakes. Some of that was certainly that I wanted to do my best and get promoted and all the benefits that came from being a great Sailor. But as I rose in rank, I naturally got even more driven and I placed expectations on myself—and on the Sailors who worked for me—to never make mistakes. At the time, I thought my motive was just doing my best. But it was deeper and more subtle, and I now understand why. This was before and during Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and I was already deep in hiding for being gay, was afraid to get caught, and I also believed that I was broken. Those things made me feel afraid and vulnerable, and my perfectionism helped me counterbalance those fears and beliefs by overachieving—by trying to be perfect at my job. Of course, I wanted to be great at what I did. But this was more than that. It was an attempt to hide my fears and my perceived “flaws” under the guise of being a driven and “perfect” Senior Chief.

Eight years after I retired from the Navy, I finished my bachelor’s and then started my master’s in psychology. This is when that same internal struggle to be perfect resurfaced, and I discovered a true awareness that I was dealing with perfectionism. Just like excelling in the Navy, I wanted to get good grades and learn as much as I could about psychology. But again, this wasn’t about doing my best. It was more about doing my best so that I wouldn’t being seen for any imperfection. It was ego and pride and my fear of being caught as an imposter. It was 100% hiding.  

I believe perfectionism shows up in many areas in our lives, but that there are a few primary ones. Let’s look at two:

One is body image. All forms of media have drilled into us and projects its expectations as to what it considers the “perfect” body. This expectation drives us mere mortals to go to any length to achieve that image. This can also lead to eating disorders and other body-image related coping skills—many of which can be life threatening. I have never met one person who doesn’t struggle even a tiny bit with their body image. But to what extent? What happens to you when someone comments on your body? If it’s a compliment or a criticism, how far do you go with owning that person’s opinion? Does it become your truth that something is wrong with your body? Do you go home and uncontrollably start plucking every hair off your face? Do you stop eating? Do you make an appointment for a little Botox or some plastic surgery?

Another is within our professions. We want to do our best, and achieve, and be seen and rewarded for our effort, which is perfectly normal. But imagine you get one “needs improvement” mark on an evaluation. Or you receive an email from your boss that points out some areas that you could be more attentive or more professional. Do you take those comments and say, “I’m grateful for that feedback. This will help me be a better worker within my organization.”? Do you get self-righteous and angry and think that your boss is an uptight jerk? Do you go to the extreme and look in the mirror and tell yourself that you’ll never figure it out? That you are stupid and should have never gotten that job in the first place? That it would be better if you just quit?

In either scenario, if you solely hone in on the negative things and are super critical toward yourself, you have probably fallen prey to perfectionism. All you want to do is hide the thing that you deem imperfect, so that you aren’t seen.

Here’s the good news. Perfectionism is undoable. Promise.

As with most things, the first step toward addressing perfectionism, is to notice it—simple awareness. The next step—also as with most things—is to have compassion for yourself. Treat yourself as you would a young child who either struggles with body image or one who maybe was called out during class. What would you say to your young self? I doubt you would yell and tell them that they’re worthless. I’ll bet you’d sit down with them and just be present with their struggle. That’s exactly what you need. Simple presence with your pain.

Do some self-exploration inquiry. As your younger self, “Why are you hiding?” “What are you afraid that they’ll see about you?” “What do you need from me to be okay?” My thoughts would be to journal those questions and the answers that come up. Also, please add your own questions.

What I’ve learned is that deep within our souls, we know our answers. We just have to dig a little deep and be willing to get honest and come back out. I’ve learned that being compassionate with myself, while allowing myself to fully be seen—especially seen by myself—is a beautiful, and challenging, and courageous, and sometimes really really hard thing to do.

This work is worth it. Showing up today honoring and owning all your perceived strengths and weaknesses, allows you to live in your truth. And living your truth—not living within the painful hiding place of perfectionism—is the goal.

Every hiding place you let go of is more freedom. More joy. I want that for you. I want that for all of us.

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