An interesting experience happened to me a few weeks ago, when an acquaintance who knows that I’ve written a memoir asked me how my business was going. I innocently responded by telling him I was starting a course.
“Oh?” he said, seemingly intrigued. “What’s the course about?”
“It’s called How to Come Out from Hiding,” I responded.
That’s when it happened, and the conversation shifted. He stiffened as his eyes locked on mine and in a now serious tone he asked me, “Aren’t you afraid of repercussions?”
I instantly braced and felt an old familiar gut-punch as I was transported back in time to when I hid my gayness out of fear of repercussions. For 22 years, I served in the Navy pre- and during Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and I kept my sexuality a secret to keep my job and to stay safe.
I took a moment for a long exhale before looking directly back at him and responding, “Well, that’s an interesting question. Yes. I’ve been afraid of repercussions my entire life. But that’s no longer going to stop me from living.”
I think my directness hit a nerve and just like that, he turned and left, and our conversation was over.
Even though the conversation ended in that moment, my thoughts about hiding and repercussions has continued. I have landed at this belief: If I feel repercussions simply for expressing and being myself, then all my hiding is an effort to avoid them.
In other words, ALL hiding is a result of trying to avoid repercussions for being our authentic selves.
The moment any of us went into hiding, it was to avoid some form of repercussion or retribution for being who we naturally are. This might have been when we were ignored while we needed attention as we screamed in our crib; it might have been when a sibling told us that we sounded like an idiot when we laughed; or when we were bullied; or maybe when we were criticized by a teacher for our apple drawing that looked like a silly moose.
As a result of our early painful moments, we learned to control ourselves to avoid repercussions—the pain of being judged or hurt or ignored for being ourselves. And that control turns into various forms of hiding. For me it was addiction and sarcasm and misfittedness (not a word), and being closeted for being gay, and so many other ways. Today, it is most often perfectionism, people-pleasing, dumbing myself down and isolating. Since I’m human on most days, I still have moments where I fall into hiding when I don’t feel safe. In other words, it’s when I’m purposely avoiding repercussions.
It’s the same for you.
The belief—which is a lie—is that hiding keeps us safe. We are afraid of being “out,” in whatever capacity that means for each of us. But any hiding creates personal repercussions. For me, my addiction took many years of my life and made them a blur. Hiding in the closet in the Navy—and beyond—created an internalized homophobia that still runs deep in my veins. People pleasing has created resentments and imbalanced relationships. Perfectionism has kept me from truly allowing myself to be seen and vulnerable.
All my learned hiding was an adaptation to not feeling safe, and all of it was self-betrayal. This created all sorts of repercussions. It’s the same for you, in similar and different ways.
So, the question becomes, how do you stop hiding? One small step at a time. Truly. First identify one or more of the ways that you hide. Then choose a hiding spot that you feel you can safely unravel, and work on it. As you do so, you will fall into that hiding spot less and less, and you will notice that you are happier in your body. You will feel more at ease, more connected to others, and more authentic. Remember, it’s one small step at a time of unraveling a hiding spot that has taken years to perfect. It’s a process.
The man who asked me the “repercussion” question did so with naivety and I truly believe that he meant no harm. He hasn’t lived my life. He doesn’t know what it’s like to hide for being gay and he doesn’t understand the years of hiding and looking over my shoulder for not being safe that I’ve experienced. He has his own hiding spots; I promise you that. Although it was uncomfortable in the moment, I’m grateful for his question because my response reminded me of the work I’ve done—and continue to do—to be myself and to help others also come out of hiding.
And yes, even with the work that I’ve done to free myself, I still expect repercussions. That may never go away. But I will continue to feel the fear and live my life, because I fully understand the repercussions I’ve endured from hiding. And by not hiding today, peace and serenity and personal freedom are my new repercussions.
That peace and serenity and freedom is also what I wish for you.
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