Really Karen? You’re going to tell me that people pleasing is another way that we hide?
Well, ummmm, yes…I am.
This is what I’m trying to get at. Hiding happens in many ways, and most of them are so subtle that we don’t even know it. Addiction is an easy one to spot, but people pleasing is one of the more subtle ways.
What’s wrong with being a people pleaser?
People pleasing tells you that sacrificing yourself for others—putting their needs above your own—is the “right” or altruistic thing to do. And I’m not saying that helping others or giving of yourself is a “wrong” or anti-altruistic (too lazy to find the right word) thing to do. It’s the motive that counts. Truly.
People pleasing is fear. At a minimum, you fear you won’t be liked if you don’t sacrifice yourself for others. At worst, you fear you’ll be abandoned.
So, you don’t set boundaries and you put others needs above your own. Then you get resentful. You don’t know how the hell you keep getting yourself into these situations, but you repeat the pattern over and over, because not pleasing others is more painful than setting honest boundaries.
As with most other forms of hiding, people pleasing usually starts in childhood. For me, I found love and affection and attention by caring for my infant brother in a home where alcoholism and workaholism made those things tough to come by. I learned that giving to him was a way to feel valued. To feel loved. But mostly, to feel needed.
Then I grew up—sort of—and started overdoing for others. I got myself into situations where I wouldn’t say “no” even though I absolutely wouldn’t want to do something, sacrificing my needs, because saying “no” was more painful. Letting others down was more painful. I was afraid that they wouldn’t like me or, as I stated above, that they would leave me. So, if I had plans, but a friend called or my partner wanted to do something differently, anxiety would rise in my chest and I couldn’t say “no.” I would cancel my plans and give in to their needs. Then I’d find myself resentful, even though that decision was of my own doing. I wasn’t being honest and dishonesty is hiding…every single time.
Here’s a bit about what I’ve learned: When you feel whole, you don’t fall prey to people pleasing. You set boundaries without fear of losing relationships. You’re able to take care of your needs and not need to be needed to feel valued, appreciated, or seen. You can tell your grown child that he can start paying his own car insurance without feeling like you’re letting him down. You don’t have to pick up the phone for a friend when you’re deep into a great book. You can tell a friend that you don’t have the bandwidth for a long visit or that you simply do not want to see another Sci-Fi movie because they make you absolutely crazy. You can be honest and trust that someone who really loves you will receive and respect your honesty.
You might also learn that some people won’t like your new boundaries, because they’re used to you always dropping everything for them, regardless of what’s happening in your life. You might be afraid that they won’t like you or will leave you. It takes time to work through that fear and anxiety. But the more you stand in your real truth, the better and more honest your relationships will be—with others, but mostly with yourself.
So, the next time someone asks you to do something that you don’t want to do, I’m going to invite you to say, “No thanks.” It might be scary and probably won’t be easy—but it will be honest. And you won’t be hiding, which is always a win.
xo, Karen
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